Who are you?
Who are you inside?
I’ve been looking.
Did you leave?
Or were you ever even there?
I went looking for you.
I’ve been getting glimpses.
It looks and feels so good.
I can’t wait to know you through and through.
Who am I talking to?
Juicy sweet spaces in my brain,
too delicious to comprehend.
Beauty and terror in my expansiveness.
Who do you see there?
As the wind blows and the waves crash,
what secrets and shames rot your soul?
In the deepest parts of the ocean
things don’t need eyes, only feeling.
A low rumbling vibration soothes and resonates unseen creatures.
Must you see to believe?
My head splits open
and the memories come.
Can’t you see me?
What effort was I worth?
You gotta take what you can get.
Who could be saved?
Who was going to drown?
Her heart speaks and can’t hide the truth,
“Better you than me, my dear one.”
Joyful news weighs down my heart.
Another mouth to feed;
this will be four.
My dear ones,
I gaze upon you with a heavy heart ashamed of my deepest secrets.
Must I carry the burden of responsibility for these lives?
I provide clothing, food and shelter.
I look upon them with fondness, too,
but still this resentment nags at my gut
Resentment for a lifetime of caring for others.
Mother, brother, sisters
and now a wife and children.
How can I ever be happy carrying this burden?
Only ever happy at work
earning money to provide
for these mouths to feed.
My dear ones,
graduate and get out of my house.
I said the word.
“Thanks for the love.”
I think I heard
his heart stop beating.
I felt the muscles in his body
sink like lead balloons.
I heard his mind close
and his heart slam shut.
I forgot love means different things to different people.
Maybe for him love was frozen,
heavy as lead,
closed off and shut tight.
It made me sad because
for me, love is illuminating light;
like drinking sunshine.
It doesn’t empty; it fills.
It doesn’t sink; it lifts.
It is friendship,
caring and affectionate
for no other reason than sharing the heart and soul of who and what we really are:
I lingered in the punch too long.
Submersion is no longer sweet.
Instead a stagnant fermentation
clogs my nose, ears, throat…
A thick, sticky, stifling substance.
I try to clear my throat and can’t.
The residue makes me gag.
I curse myself for getting in the punch.
I said I wouldn’t do it or if I did
I could get out on my own.
Now I don’t know if I can keep myself from drowning.
Just because you want something
doesn’t mean you should have it.
Chaos or discord do your actions cause.
I took what I wanted.
I took it with precision, with intent, and with disregard.
My success was in my precision.
My folly was in my intent and in my careless disregard.
As if my actions it would not affect me.
In the end I got what I deserved:
A meal made from crow and humble pie.
Now, I look straight ahead,
I avoid eye contact.
I show no emotion.
I keep it clean and sterile.
I work hard not to feel
the constant sucker punch to my gut.
It is not love.
It is my heartbreak, my folly,
I can be brave today
Pick myself up
Ever forward moving
With hope in my heart
For better days
That delicious, delightful, delectable treat can’t talk back,
or make promises and plans.
It is doing what it was made to do:
Make you want it.
My friend, can I tell you?
You don’t have to eat it.
It does not speak to your heart.
Desire is a path that leads to the emptiness of your soul.